Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Post in Which I Feel Sorry for Myself

You've been warned. Feel free to move along if you want to skip this one.

I went to the financial aid meeting for the nursing school I've been accepted to, and after it was all said and done, I'd owe somewhere in the neighborhood of $80k in student loans. That's with what I've already borrowed, plus, the exorbitant cost of the school added in. This, coupled with the fact that I'm losing my insurance and the pay I currently receive (couldn't keep my current job and do this), and the fact that my husband's job isn't reliable enough to support us completely...well, all this basically made going to this particular school impossible for me.

So, my options are to change my degree and incur no further student loans, as my current employer will foot the bill (who I love, by the way, absolutely a great company, but let's just say that being a banker/customer service rep is not what I wanted to be when I grew up); go to a community college and finish nursing school at a much lower cost (still trying to make the no insurance and loss or substantial decrease in my income work); or, say fuck it, I'm tired of all this, and quit school altogether.

Right now, I'm feeling rather sorry for myself and am leaning towards option three.

I feel like MM's job situation is not going to change anytime soon. We're thankful that we're both even working right now. AZ's unemployment rate is crazy high. I'm not sure we'll ever be in a position where I can not work again, especially long enough for me to finish two more years of school.

Which leads me to my other current issues: I feel like I've lost all the things that really mattered to me when MM was laid off in Texas. I had to go back to work and lose time with BW, home schooling went out the window when I wasn't there to facilitate it, and the nursing/ultrasound tech degree I'd been working towards in Texas now looks impossible to finish.

My employer wants me to come back to work full-time in order to change departments. My only option to get out of the department I'm in right now (which, quite frankly, I'm ready to do) is to go back to full-time. If I don't quit to finish school, I feel like my options are pretty limited there unless I'm willing to work more, and since BW opted to go back to school, I might as well.

BW is happy at school, but, he is already expressing a desire to come back home. I know if I were available to make homeschooling work, he'd be all over it. And I truly believe it would be the best option for our family. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of control over even my part-time schedule, so I'm not clear on how we'd make that work.

I'm feeling like working hard for a goal isn't enough - and we're in that place where we're not making enough money to truly be comfortable, but we make too much to qualify for any help in the way of grants and aid for me to finish school.

I'm also feeling like a complete fuck up, because if I would have finished school when I was fresh outta high school, the VA and my mom would have paid for it. Since I spent five or six years drifting, and then spent another five or six years recovering from my misspent youth and getting my act together, I'm screwed now. The VA (and my mom) are no longer willing to pitch in. This is the culmination of all my previous bad life decisions, as well as the good ones. If I were a single parent and not making the salary I make, I'd have all sorts of help.

The hard part is, MM is truly relieved that I'm not going. He's upset that I'm upset, but, relieved he won't have the burden of supporting us. And I get that, but it still sucks. He's promised he'll work two jobs, do whatever it takes to get me through school - and he would if I told him I was going to finish - but then he tells me how sick he is at the thought of not being able to make it. And how much it bothers him that I'd be leaving the job I have now.

I can't do it to him. He's not totally on board, and I don't feel like I can do it without 100% of his support. Even if I were to choose the community college route, I don't think he'll ever be comfortable with me leaving the job I'm at. He's looking for a better job, so maybe there's a chance, but I'm not all that hopeful.The job he's out now he enjoys, and the pay is OK, but it's construction-y, so there aren't reliable hours.

I'm at the point now where the life I live is completely opposite from the life I dream of. I really thought nursing would be the key to making it happen, and I feel that I'm not only giving up my career aspirations, but I'm losing the life that that career would have allowed me have. I have to get past that, and figure out how to do the things I want within our current reality.

I'm sure it's possible, but I'm not feeling very hopeful right now.


hahamommy said...

I hope a few days later, you're feeling more peace... just in case I'm sending you some o'mine :::Peace:::
Be quiet and listen to what you're really saying, with the voice you cannot hear until the chatter stops. Listen to you, the deep-inside you and you'll figger it out.
It's what we do.

(and I don't know where that came from, but I'm gonna use it on me, too :D)

lisafer said...

Thank you for your peace - it's always useful to have someone send a little when you're fresh out! :)

I am feeling more at peace, and more accepting of what is, what can be, and what I have within me to make things happen.